Leaving the city for a few days to clear my mind and cleanse my soul next to a water fall. Maybe I'll stay away for awhile. Fresh air and free spirit!
Thursday 21 April 2011
Wednesday 13 April 2011
Alice in Chains NUTSHELL tribute
I'd have to say without a doubt in my mind, this is the greatest tribute you can find on youtube for this song.
Bunny Ears
Sometimes all else fails.
When your dreams become the things that gnaw, how do you escape yourself?
Your blood, the essence of what you are, corrupts who you fought so hard to become.
Now it's over. The dream is gone.
Even when the worry fades, the static of loss remains.
Twist those bunny ears all you want, this time the static stays.
When your dreams become the things that gnaw, how do you escape yourself?
Your blood, the essence of what you are, corrupts who you fought so hard to become.
Now it's over. The dream is gone.
Even when the worry fades, the static of loss remains.
Twist those bunny ears all you want, this time the static stays.
Monday 4 April 2011
In the begining
On March 27th in the year of our lord 2011 I was diagnosed with CML. What is CML you might ask? It's clinical name is Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia. Or, better known in my world as proof of just how small you really are in the grand scheme of things. I'm 28 years old. Most people diagnosed with this type of blood cancer are in their 50-60's so the majority of the drugs that are being used to combat my new found blood nightmare have not been tested for long term success and side effects. I guess I'll be one of those lucky enough to spend the rest of my time on this planet as a guinea pigs for some big, faceless pharmaceutical company. After all, I'm grade A meat here. Young and kicking, ready to be pumped full of chemicals that if I touch I have to wash my hands right after, as it can actually be toxic to anyone besides me. I'm a walking tumor. My blood has turned against me. I'm also a drama queen, and really fucking pouty tonight.
I was working out for an hour or more 6 days a week for almost a year, as well watching what I was eating and maintaining a 1500-1800/day calorie intact to get myself in better shape. I lost a shit ton of weight doing that too, and I was feeling on top of the world. However, somehow, within that year I developed my cancer. Since my diagnosis I've been a total crabby, gluttonous sloth. Let me tell you, sugar, icecream and fatty foods have NEVER tasted as good as they have this last week. I know it's all emotional, but fuck me! it's been fun.
As of this moment though I've got to stop with the cry baby attitude, and the "woe is me" ensemble I've been wearing. Back to veggies and protein shakes. No salt added cottage cheese and water. Time to grab my body and shake the fuck out of it until it listens.
I'm a walking tumor, and my blood hates me. How the fuck do you live knowing that? knowing that if you live you live with pills, every day, for the rest of your life. I don't feel sick right now. I feel alone, but I don't feel physically sick. It's been a week and a few days since the diagnosis and I've been on Hydroxyurea (chemotherapy) for the week, along with Allopurenol to help lower my elevated uric acid levels. As of today though the cross cancer institute has started me on a new chemotherapy pill called "Gleevec". I guess it's the miracle drug that has turned my otherwise death sentence diagnosis into a possible life sentence of nausea and muscle cramps, along with a shot of edema on weekends, if I'm lucky.
Ok, I'm not complaining. What's to complain about? I've been trying to find that "silver fucking lining" here lately. Sometimes, (in the last week...haha), I think about all those people that go on day by day, "coping" with success and abundance of wealth. "Coping" with happiness and good tidings. I think about those people and wonder just how far evolved they can really be. Hardship builds character, right? hardship is what allows you to really see how full of grit you are. How far you can be pushed. I have to wonder if I was begging for this. I mean, I was...fuck...I AM, wasting my life away. I worked my whole life in jobs I've hated, for people I couldn't stand to talk to, forcing just the slightest of smiles would honestly hurt the very fiber of my being some days...but "work for pay, pay for freedom", yes? Now, I've been liberated. Now that I know I could have only years left, why would I give it away to anyone or anything that didn't matter? I just had to stop and think for a minute, I couldn't find a logical reason why anyone would, but surely not me. Not now. Which of course brings on a whole fucking array of new questions to mind, like...what do I do from here? how do I live my life to the fullest, when for 28 years I've gotten really fucking great a wasting it? Not to mention, what if I live my life to the fullest in the wrong way?
Yeah. Lots of questions. No real answers that anyone else can give me. I really am alone in all this. And SO FUCKING EMO TONIGHT! gah. Stop reading this blog. You'll thank me later. Of course, if you've got the stomach to handle my abundant slurring and just god awful punctuation, more power to you big shot. See, PROOF hardship builds character. READ MY BLOG, if you survive you shall leave stronger, (or stranger) than when you arrived.
Fuck off.
I was working out for an hour or more 6 days a week for almost a year, as well watching what I was eating and maintaining a 1500-1800/day calorie intact to get myself in better shape. I lost a shit ton of weight doing that too, and I was feeling on top of the world. However, somehow, within that year I developed my cancer. Since my diagnosis I've been a total crabby, gluttonous sloth. Let me tell you, sugar, icecream and fatty foods have NEVER tasted as good as they have this last week. I know it's all emotional, but fuck me! it's been fun.
As of this moment though I've got to stop with the cry baby attitude, and the "woe is me" ensemble I've been wearing. Back to veggies and protein shakes. No salt added cottage cheese and water. Time to grab my body and shake the fuck out of it until it listens.
I'm a walking tumor, and my blood hates me. How the fuck do you live knowing that? knowing that if you live you live with pills, every day, for the rest of your life. I don't feel sick right now. I feel alone, but I don't feel physically sick. It's been a week and a few days since the diagnosis and I've been on Hydroxyurea (chemotherapy) for the week, along with Allopurenol to help lower my elevated uric acid levels. As of today though the cross cancer institute has started me on a new chemotherapy pill called "Gleevec". I guess it's the miracle drug that has turned my otherwise death sentence diagnosis into a possible life sentence of nausea and muscle cramps, along with a shot of edema on weekends, if I'm lucky.
Ok, I'm not complaining. What's to complain about? I've been trying to find that "silver fucking lining" here lately. Sometimes, (in the last week...haha), I think about all those people that go on day by day, "coping" with success and abundance of wealth. "Coping" with happiness and good tidings. I think about those people and wonder just how far evolved they can really be. Hardship builds character, right? hardship is what allows you to really see how full of grit you are. How far you can be pushed. I have to wonder if I was begging for this. I mean, I was...fuck...I AM, wasting my life away. I worked my whole life in jobs I've hated, for people I couldn't stand to talk to, forcing just the slightest of smiles would honestly hurt the very fiber of my being some days...but "work for pay, pay for freedom", yes? Now, I've been liberated. Now that I know I could have only years left, why would I give it away to anyone or anything that didn't matter? I just had to stop and think for a minute, I couldn't find a logical reason why anyone would, but surely not me. Not now. Which of course brings on a whole fucking array of new questions to mind, like...what do I do from here? how do I live my life to the fullest, when for 28 years I've gotten really fucking great a wasting it? Not to mention, what if I live my life to the fullest in the wrong way?
Fuck off.
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